It’s been 3 months now since I defined myself as extremely sad, for I don’t want to call myself “depressed” – I don’t want to succumb to the thought that something is beyond my control.
Back track to 3 months ago.
Things were fine and dandy. But then the time came – where times where I caught myself dragging my feet to work with the fear of client complain, for that has been a pattern and picture my superior created. Things started out well, UNTIL, I started to question game plans and other means of running the business that may affect the integrity of the numbers. I am used to a culture of expressing ideas, contrarian or not – however, I’d consider it the cause of my Waterloo.
I had shortcomings too, I was not a perfect employee, I missed deadlines and deliverables – but I did my best to contribute to the business (with little to no help) and corrected what needs to be improved. I was given chances of my failings and was once highly favored – but things went south. In my own understanding, I did my best to have a player mindset and avoiding victim mindset all the time. Trying to see the good. Things felt uncontrollable, I started to question my capabilities, the recognitions and even my existence. I see myself regressing.
I was fighting my inner demons to survive.
I wanted to take flight for I have fought enough and that the battle is not worth fighting for anymore. But I have nowhere to go for I feel that I’m not good enough and that I have nothing to offer. I cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower – never been so helpless and useless. Even questioned my sanity.
“Flight “day came – a blessing in disguise. I was not ready to let go but I must for my sake, my sanity’s sake. Still fighting. Still crying myself in the shower. As I slowly immersed myself with the positive environment, I’ve come to comprehend the after effect of letting a toxic person in my head. I have recently come across “gaslighting” and eureka (the perfect description)– I was, we were gaslit.
And it was all coming back to me – controlling my social media posts, asking someone to check my social media (for reasons unknown to me), incident report filed, uncommunicated changes at work, twisted information, comments that make me feel uncapable, gossip, and the list goes on. Though it was not all negative, as mentioned, I was once favored to the extent of having a feeling of debt of gratitude (but repayment is a must).
I have come to accept that there’s something wrong and I must do something.
I’m still healing and on the process of recovering. I might have received his/the message incorrectly, but it has led me to a state I don’t wanna revisit. Never again – I was at my worst.
Some sad people do not broadcast that they are sad – explaining is hard to do. They might not share due to the fear of judgement. Please, reach out to your friends, to your love ones.
Ask them “musta na?”, I know for sure they’ll reply back with “okay lang” but at least you’ve asked.
Looking forward to a healthier and happier year.
Cheers and Happy New Year! And God bless!!
And… I hope you feel fine today. Yes. You.
— Working Momma on a NightShift Schedule 😀